The Wisdom and Innocence of 16

Recently I was prompted to allow my 16-year-old self to come forward.

Before I could do that, I knew I needed to reacquaint myself with her.

At some point I had banished her to the peripheral of my sense of self. I’d labelled her naïve, overly trusting, sickeningly optimistic, unrealistic. I shelved her, with the haughty assurance that I wouldn’t need her anymore. Stored her away. A foundational building block that I would never need again (but kept just in case).

Then and now. Age really is just a number. It is certainly has no bearing on the level of wisdom.

But this call to let her off the shelf; to speak, got me genuinely curious.

Who was she really?

I sat on my bedroom floor and pulled my old journals and notebooks from their hiding place. A physical parallel of the way I had hidden her away in my psyche. As I leafed through pages of poetry, songs and short stories she crept back into my body, my mind and my heart. A familiar lightness filled me. I looked upon her musings like a loving and bemused aunt. Someone less likely to judge than a parent. Less likely to take things personally.

I read through everything from the ages of 14 to 20.

I watched the writing and ideas become more mature, more articulate, more filled with emotion.

The highs and lows were wild! The longing, the pain, the joy! All intertwined, page after page.

And what did I find?

I didn’t find naivety, I found innocence. I found her trusting heart delightful and refreshing. Her optimism; hopeful. And labelling her unrealistic? That was the biggest surprise of all. Because buried in the rhymes, in the longing, in the hope and the pain, was her knowing of what love should be. Wisdom far beyond her years.

At 16, I wanted the same thing I want now.

Sacred union.

I didn’t have the language for it then.

At 16, I wanted a love that would accept me, open me, let me grow, hold me, and make me better. I wanted a love that poured into me as much as I was pouring into it. I wanted love that made me feel free and grounded all at once. A love that saw me, heard me, and understood me.

Somewhere along the way, when my pursuit of this love, this sacred union, led me to hurt and despair, I blamed 16-year-old me. The me who dared to wish for something ‘unrealistic’. Who pushed me to risk everything.

But that was unfair.

It wasn’t her fault.

The knowledge I acquired through each heartbreak, each set back, each time I had to start over was exactly what I needed to learn. And the funny thing is, that everything has come full circle.

My path has led me right back to what I wanted when I started.

Only now, I have the strength, the courage, and the resolve to settle for nothing less. 16-year-old me, in all her innocence, her hopefulness, her unjaded view of the world, knew what was possible. She knew what the standard should be.

And I betrayed her.

So, she’s off the shelf. No longer banished.

I am whole heartedly integrating her wisdom into my grown-up self.

She asked for deep love, for an equal partnership, to be able to give her whole heart and receive the whole heart of another in return. And I put her through hell trying to deliver.

Now, we’re a team. I will honour her wisdom.

And this time, we will wait. We will hold our nerve until the universe delivers the sacred union we deserve.

Until then, I am remembering that she’s a lot of fun!